- Published on
Over the last year, I decided to seriously invest in weight loss and health-conscious eating. I’ve always known myself to be a finicky eater—with a hatred of this and that that I can’t explain. I also knew I had a sweet-tooth, and a penchant for eating for comfort, boredom, and quelling my anxieties (and boy, am I anxious). In all, I call the past five years my “not me years” (no offence to anyone). Between 2012-2017, my weight jumped by an average of 5-6 pounds a year, and in the winter of 2017, I reached a scale-breaking crisis. I was sweating heavily, snoring, and struggling to breathe after performing basic physical tasks.
Then the cost to my vanity hit. I’d always been petite, and even while my weight jumped, I could still fit into smaller sizes. But then the world started to challenge me on this. I walked into a department store, picked up size 6 pants I was certain could still fit me, and the shopkeeper shouted at me from across the room, “That’s too small for you, honey,” and perhaps seeing my mortified face, added, “Oh, it wouldn’t fit me either.” Woman, bye. This was increasingly the case. I went fencing, and the instructor insisted on giving me a large-sized armor, even though I requested a small. The offenses racked up. I pulled out of rock-climbing and horseback riding out of fear of embarrassing myself, or getting caught in humiliating situations. At work, a safety expert from the government walked into the office and caught me standing on a stool, and persisted to ask one of the office supervisors if “that was safe for me.” Judging by the way he avoided my eyes, I knew what he meant—I was heavy, the stool might break under me.
Fed up, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I’d long known there was a correlation between my weight gain and my mental health (absent-minded eating), and in light of things that kept me up at night, mental health came out on top. I decided to focus on my brain. I started eating more “brain foods”—beets, walnuts, and even began taking rhodiola, and magnesium, as I suffer from magnesium deficiency. In all, I can say it helped. All of a sudden I wasn’t mindlessly reaching for things, or forgetting that I had a three course meal two hours ago, while in the middle of devoruing my second. Then weight watchers came, and later My Fitness Pal, and all of a sudden, my borderline OCD personality discovered a new obsession—calorie tracking. In the last year and a half, I have lost nearly fifty pounds.
CONGRATS, the job isn’t over yet.
Everyone has noticed how much I have lost. My clothes hang loosely off me, and even my shoes fit better. I still fear that my progress will be undermined. It’s tough. My brain still fights me. It says: you just ate a salad, now reward yourself with ice cream. Seriously, this is how my brain works. In the beginning, I was on a roll, losing 5-8 pounds a month, but since, I have been losing about 2-3 pounds every 2 months. I have yet to reach my goal. Though I am no longer using Weight Watchers, horrified by its point deductions, I am still using My Fitness Pal—it’s free. My diet hasn’t been all that greatly adhered to over the summer months—pub nights and Asian TV shows infused with food galore have destroyed my willpower.
Though I'm trying to keep calories under 1200, I am not confident I am succeeding—often I am guessing at calories for undocumented foods, from non-chain restaurants. But, I am that annoying girl who asks the waiter how many calories are in this bowl of ramen noodle (to the chagrin of everyone around me, including the waiter). It’s been a struggle to keep my carb, sugar, and daily fat intake in check with my daily goals. I’m either going over one or the other, even when my calorie count stays low.
What I have learned is that dieting works best at my own pace, when I am not resentful (only eating greens will drive me mad), and everything in moderation is true. Eat ice cream if you feel like it, or if all your friends are doing it- JUST DON’T OVERINDULGE, and if you do slip and eat that entire bucket of fried food during pub night, remember Scarlett O’hara’s words of inspiration: tomorrow’s another day (also: you might want to consider taking a long "powered" walk, the stairs, or putting on an uptempo song and dancing around for ten minutes).
The adventures continue …
Then the cost to my vanity hit. I’d always been petite, and even while my weight jumped, I could still fit into smaller sizes. But then the world started to challenge me on this. I walked into a department store, picked up size 6 pants I was certain could still fit me, and the shopkeeper shouted at me from across the room, “That’s too small for you, honey,” and perhaps seeing my mortified face, added, “Oh, it wouldn’t fit me either.” Woman, bye. This was increasingly the case. I went fencing, and the instructor insisted on giving me a large-sized armor, even though I requested a small. The offenses racked up. I pulled out of rock-climbing and horseback riding out of fear of embarrassing myself, or getting caught in humiliating situations. At work, a safety expert from the government walked into the office and caught me standing on a stool, and persisted to ask one of the office supervisors if “that was safe for me.” Judging by the way he avoided my eyes, I knew what he meant—I was heavy, the stool might break under me.
Fed up, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I’d long known there was a correlation between my weight gain and my mental health (absent-minded eating), and in light of things that kept me up at night, mental health came out on top. I decided to focus on my brain. I started eating more “brain foods”—beets, walnuts, and even began taking rhodiola, and magnesium, as I suffer from magnesium deficiency. In all, I can say it helped. All of a sudden I wasn’t mindlessly reaching for things, or forgetting that I had a three course meal two hours ago, while in the middle of devoruing my second. Then weight watchers came, and later My Fitness Pal, and all of a sudden, my borderline OCD personality discovered a new obsession—calorie tracking. In the last year and a half, I have lost nearly fifty pounds.
CONGRATS, the job isn’t over yet.
Everyone has noticed how much I have lost. My clothes hang loosely off me, and even my shoes fit better. I still fear that my progress will be undermined. It’s tough. My brain still fights me. It says: you just ate a salad, now reward yourself with ice cream. Seriously, this is how my brain works. In the beginning, I was on a roll, losing 5-8 pounds a month, but since, I have been losing about 2-3 pounds every 2 months. I have yet to reach my goal. Though I am no longer using Weight Watchers, horrified by its point deductions, I am still using My Fitness Pal—it’s free. My diet hasn’t been all that greatly adhered to over the summer months—pub nights and Asian TV shows infused with food galore have destroyed my willpower.
Though I'm trying to keep calories under 1200, I am not confident I am succeeding—often I am guessing at calories for undocumented foods, from non-chain restaurants. But, I am that annoying girl who asks the waiter how many calories are in this bowl of ramen noodle (to the chagrin of everyone around me, including the waiter). It’s been a struggle to keep my carb, sugar, and daily fat intake in check with my daily goals. I’m either going over one or the other, even when my calorie count stays low.
What I have learned is that dieting works best at my own pace, when I am not resentful (only eating greens will drive me mad), and everything in moderation is true. Eat ice cream if you feel like it, or if all your friends are doing it- JUST DON’T OVERINDULGE, and if you do slip and eat that entire bucket of fried food during pub night, remember Scarlett O’hara’s words of inspiration: tomorrow’s another day (also: you might want to consider taking a long "powered" walk, the stairs, or putting on an uptempo song and dancing around for ten minutes).
The adventures continue …
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According to Wikipedia, Shahmaran in Persian means the ruler or queen of snakes. In Persian and Middle Eastern mythology, she's a wise figure that guides lost souls.
The video--of the same name--is visually stunning, like all Sevdaliza's videos, an achievement in creativity. This one is directed and themed in collaboration with Emmanuel Adjei, a Ghanaian filmmaker.
It starts with a group of chained black men--wrapped in gold chains and regular ropes-- dragging a spaceship (new age slave ship) across the desert that strains their backs. It's slavery. One guy, sporting a pair of green eyes (not sure if this is intentional, since green eyes are rare on black people, and is often a metaphor for greed, jealousy and envy, themes that go well with Adjei's explanation of the video concept), sees a mirage of the artist, wrapped in snakes, the personification of Shahmaran.
Green-eyed man throws off his chains and shackles and separates himself from the pack, trekking pass dead bodies until he finds Shahmaran's mirage temple. Inside, he finds a bejeweled Shahmaran lying down behind a pool of water. He bypasses a gun and a car both made of water-type substance (vanity masquerading as a lifesaving thing as water?). He throws his face into the water, eyes open, cleansed. The cut away we see a body, presumably his, lying on the desert floor, not a drop of water in sight. It's not clear whether he really found the temple, or is now dead.
"Carrying the burden of their ancestors, most black men today are still born into an environment that limits their freedom. Lost in a hazardous place from which they can’t seem to escape, their survival mechanisms have become their guide when making decisions. Whilst growing up, they have learned to fixate on the place where they know they need to be. Drawn to the dream of having power and success, they hold on to a false idea of autonomy. Yet, it is this house of freedom that has enslaved these men again. Chained to a fantasy, often of a materialistic nature, they remain upright throughout survival.”-- Director and concept collaborator Adjei.
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- Published on
Come along this way
To the other side of sanity,
An escape from mundanity
The winds of calamity,
Opening wardrobes,
And triggering episodes
That will get me committed
Admitted,
Off to lands of ecstasy
My very own dark fantasy
c2018km all rights reserved
To the other side of sanity,
An escape from mundanity
The winds of calamity,
Opening wardrobes,
And triggering episodes
That will get me committed
Admitted,
Off to lands of ecstasy
My very own dark fantasy
c2018km all rights reserved
- Published on
Behind art is a mess
Behind genius is anybody’s guess
I embraced the madness and endured the torture
Pain was after all progress,
And I was its martyr
You were delicate when you came,
Your face like muses in a flame
You personified beauty and grace
And you blossomed in a strange place
So alien to me,
Everything I wanted to be
I became the ground in which you were nurtured
And with my nutrients you flowered,
And came to tower above me
You couldn’t get enough of me
And I gave you your color,
Stained from the fluid of my veins
Beauty is pain,
And a rose by any other name?
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"I have seen things you people would not believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulders of Orion. I watched c-beams in the dark near Tannhauser Gate. All these moments are lost in time like tears in the rain. Time to die." -Batty (Blade Runner, 1982).
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The language of friendship is not words but meaning.
Who can I depend on?
Who can I depend on?
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The poem was written by romantic poet, William Wordsworth, and is one of my favorite poems. The world is obsessed with beauty, and there is no shortage of poems in praise of pulchritude, but not many people take time to acknowledge those not blessed with beauty.
Wordsworth's poem is a quiet appreciation of the the woman who often goes invisible. It has all the comparisons to nature a romantic poem naturally has. Compare the line, "fair as a star when only one is shinning in the sky" to Shakespeare's, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day, thou art more lovely." While Shakespeare lifts his love's beauty above nature's best, Wordsworth's beauty is given a sort of "backhanded compliment." Sure, you can be fair as a star, but only if there is only one to compare you to/no one to overshadow you. He's not claiming she can outshine stars/nature, but that her beauty is more understated.
Considered part of Wordsworth's "Lucy" poems series, it is considered a meditation on loneliness and isolation--an appreciation of someone no one else sees except the poet himself, who admires her from afar.
She Dwelt among the Untrodden Ways
She dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:
A violet by a mossy stone
Half hidden from the eye!
—Fair as a star, when only one
Is shining in the sky.
She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!
Wordsworth's poem is a quiet appreciation of the the woman who often goes invisible. It has all the comparisons to nature a romantic poem naturally has. Compare the line, "fair as a star when only one is shinning in the sky" to Shakespeare's, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day, thou art more lovely." While Shakespeare lifts his love's beauty above nature's best, Wordsworth's beauty is given a sort of "backhanded compliment." Sure, you can be fair as a star, but only if there is only one to compare you to/no one to overshadow you. He's not claiming she can outshine stars/nature, but that her beauty is more understated.
Considered part of Wordsworth's "Lucy" poems series, it is considered a meditation on loneliness and isolation--an appreciation of someone no one else sees except the poet himself, who admires her from afar.
She Dwelt among the Untrodden Ways
She dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:
A violet by a mossy stone
Half hidden from the eye!
—Fair as a star, when only one
Is shining in the sky.
She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!
- Published on
My birthday's coming up, so I filled out a survey. Yeah, follow the logic.
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Comfort in my own skin, in my own home, in my career
2. What is your greatest fear?
Dying without accomplishment/ Dementia/mental illness
3. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Queen Elizabeth I or Hatshepsut
4. Which living person do you most admire?
Scientists
5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Cowardice/impulsiveness
6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Bullying/ mean spiritedness/ pettiness
7. What is your favorite journey?
To other worlds (in my mind)
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Non-judgmental attitude
10. On what occasion do you lie?
When I screw up/make a mistake/need to compensate
11. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Extra weight
12. Which living person do you most despise?
Donald J. Trump
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Comfort in my own skin, in my own home, in my career
2. What is your greatest fear?
Dying without accomplishment/ Dementia/mental illness
3. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Queen Elizabeth I or Hatshepsut
4. Which living person do you most admire?
Scientists
5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Cowardice/impulsiveness
6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Bullying/ mean spiritedness/ pettiness
7. What is your favorite journey?
To other worlds (in my mind)
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Non-judgmental attitude
10. On what occasion do you lie?
When I screw up/make a mistake/need to compensate
11. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Extra weight
12. Which living person do you most despise?
Donald J. Trump
- Published on
I first came across the phrase, maladaptive daydream disorder (MDD) three years ago while trying to find out if I was normal or going crazy. I used to type things such as: "roaming mind" and "absentmindedness" and "out of control fantasizing." Then, I came across a mailing list, which led me to the tumblr page, and reading it, I knew I found a name for my problem.
I initially feared I was coming down with schizophrenia, or that I existed on the spectrum somewhere, and when I contacted a psychiatrist about it (I was that worried), she asked me all the regular questions -- do you hear voices? No. Do you feel like hurting someone? No. Okay, then you are fine, she said. No one diagnosed me with anything, even when I told her I had difficulty controlling my roaming mind.
Still, I was normal. But, normal people didn't put themselves to bed by exhausting their minds with lavish tales of adventures. I knew this, and for the longest time I felt shame, especially if I let slip a word, or pace or flail my hand (which is characteristic of MDD). People like me live in our heads, and in our headspace are worlds filled with daily adventures and lavish tales of grandeur. The closest thing I'd ever seen that captured MDD was the short story, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (the two films drift from the original writing) about a man who has five daydream episodes while he waits for his wife who has gone to the beauty parlor..
People who suffer from MDD can have ten different adventures all in an hour. We could be off saving lives in a hospital, skiing in the Swiss Alps, traversing an apocalyptic landscape ala Katniss Everdeen or trying to save fantasy worlds from orcs and evil sorcerers.
You may say, what's so bad about having a great imagination? The problem with MDD is that we can't control when we slip into a daydream. True, that if we're busy, we don't daydream, but the moment we're not occupied with real world acts, our minds drift. It can happen anywhere and anytime, and we can't control it; although, sometimes we can will it to happen, as I often do before bed. I choose my adventure--which character do I want to be tonight. MDD also means we have trouble getting out of bed. Many of us have laid in bed for hours daydreaming--no joke. The most embarrassing part is the involuntary movements (pacing/flailing hands) and vocal outbursts --blurting things aloud.
The thing is -- I can daydream as a character in one of my stories, or as myself. It's not unusual for me to become a character when I'm reading about that character. This involves putting myself in the action as the main protagonist. But, I can be me in a story, too. For example: when I see a group of skateboarders, I picture myself as a skateboarder (usually MJF-ish in Back to the Future) cruising on a futuristic skateboard that defies gravity.
It's important to understand that people who suffer from MDD know the worlds in our heads aren't real. We don't hear voices, though we may speak aloud in response to a character in our story.
PS. Maladaptive Daydream Disorder (MDD) is not medically recognized by the DSM.-5, and many have dismissed it as another form of ADD, or as a kind of borderline personality/anti-social disorder, and reports suggest ADD medication can help with it. Nonetheless, I have reasons to believe, it's a new condition on its own.
More on MDD:
1. http://www.medicaldaily.com/maladaptive-daydreaming-what-it-247629
2.http://maladaptivedaydreamingsupport.tumblr.com/mdd
3.http://www.wsj.com/articles/when-daydreaming-becomes-a-problem-1462818328
4.https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/living-in-an-imaginary-world/
5.http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/04/when-daydreaming-replaces-real-life/391319/
I initially feared I was coming down with schizophrenia, or that I existed on the spectrum somewhere, and when I contacted a psychiatrist about it (I was that worried), she asked me all the regular questions -- do you hear voices? No. Do you feel like hurting someone? No. Okay, then you are fine, she said. No one diagnosed me with anything, even when I told her I had difficulty controlling my roaming mind.
Still, I was normal. But, normal people didn't put themselves to bed by exhausting their minds with lavish tales of adventures. I knew this, and for the longest time I felt shame, especially if I let slip a word, or pace or flail my hand (which is characteristic of MDD). People like me live in our heads, and in our headspace are worlds filled with daily adventures and lavish tales of grandeur. The closest thing I'd ever seen that captured MDD was the short story, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (the two films drift from the original writing) about a man who has five daydream episodes while he waits for his wife who has gone to the beauty parlor..
People who suffer from MDD can have ten different adventures all in an hour. We could be off saving lives in a hospital, skiing in the Swiss Alps, traversing an apocalyptic landscape ala Katniss Everdeen or trying to save fantasy worlds from orcs and evil sorcerers.
You may say, what's so bad about having a great imagination? The problem with MDD is that we can't control when we slip into a daydream. True, that if we're busy, we don't daydream, but the moment we're not occupied with real world acts, our minds drift. It can happen anywhere and anytime, and we can't control it; although, sometimes we can will it to happen, as I often do before bed. I choose my adventure--which character do I want to be tonight. MDD also means we have trouble getting out of bed. Many of us have laid in bed for hours daydreaming--no joke. The most embarrassing part is the involuntary movements (pacing/flailing hands) and vocal outbursts --blurting things aloud.
The thing is -- I can daydream as a character in one of my stories, or as myself. It's not unusual for me to become a character when I'm reading about that character. This involves putting myself in the action as the main protagonist. But, I can be me in a story, too. For example: when I see a group of skateboarders, I picture myself as a skateboarder (usually MJF-ish in Back to the Future) cruising on a futuristic skateboard that defies gravity.
It's important to understand that people who suffer from MDD know the worlds in our heads aren't real. We don't hear voices, though we may speak aloud in response to a character in our story.
PS. Maladaptive Daydream Disorder (MDD) is not medically recognized by the DSM.-5, and many have dismissed it as another form of ADD, or as a kind of borderline personality/anti-social disorder, and reports suggest ADD medication can help with it. Nonetheless, I have reasons to believe, it's a new condition on its own.
More on MDD:
1. http://www.medicaldaily.com/maladaptive-daydreaming-what-it-247629
2.http://maladaptivedaydreamingsupport.tumblr.com/mdd
3.http://www.wsj.com/articles/when-daydreaming-becomes-a-problem-1462818328
4.https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/living-in-an-imaginary-world/
5.http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/04/when-daydreaming-replaces-real-life/391319/