- Published on
I think too much ... about everything
... will I die alone?
... is the end of the world near?
... when does middle age start?
... am I an impostor?
... will I ever get a traditional publishing deal?
.... am I a real or good writer?
... do I have a good personality?
... am I intelligent?
... do people like me?
... why don't I do something good with my life?
Sometimes my doubts creep up. I want to brush dirt off my shoulders but it's hard.
Staying positive? I cling to little things.
The last couple days I'd been on high thinking I got this ... and I didn't have this (received some great feedback about a short story and was convinced it would be accepted). Received the rejection this morning. I stop investing in things. No longer hold my breath and keep my fingers crossed. I was once accused of not being "passionate." My response (which of course I kept in my head): I am so used to be disappointed I didn't want to run my anxiety up only to be deflated). Of course, I no longer know how to be happy when I receive good news.
Sometimes, I wonder about me ... and where all this is going ...
The rejection says "I kept the reader at bay when it comes to the character's reaction". The story of my life. I am terrible at expressing feelings ... just terrible. I empathize and think, think, ponder, cogitate, worry ... but I just don't express OUTWARDLY.
My characters are criticized for lacking agency, motivation, expressing themselves or simply being plain flat. I love big concepts but don't think I express them clearly.
Been reading about "sociological" writing versus psychological. Supposedly, Game of Thrones lost the plot in season 8 when it abandoned the former for the latter. Ideally, a writer needs both to be good at STORYTELLING.
I try to do both, but ultimately I prefer plot and structure over either but don't do it well.
Sometimes ...
I wonder if I could ever write an intelligent piece of fiction ... NK Jemisin's The Broken Earth trilogy, for example.
Do I have the psychological grasp of the sociological structures that impress upon people to churn out such in-depth storytelling?
I often accuse myself of "tired/lazy" writing ... when I write despite being too tired to care/focus.
Writing criticisms I frequently receive: complicated plots, staccato sentences, wordiness, "elevated" writing style .... which I blame on my general love affair with Jane Austen, Charles Dickens and Shakespeare ... I was a pretentious child, who rather liked saying "I shall" versus, " I will."
Sometimes I wonder why I attend writing groups...
Recently listened to a man rant about his older co-worker whom he believes is just showing up to work because he likes the companionship of his co-workers and having something to do, socially.
. I considered quitting writing groups after my mom died last November. And sometimes, especially after a rejection, I think I should give up writing ....
But I have nothing else.
I am not a cross-stitch, crochet-knitting, sell stuff on e-Bay and Etsy type. I can't learn pottery, and I have yet to show up to my soap-making and kickboxing classes (I am still making promises about better weather and stable finances. My older brother says to just do it).
And what will I do with myself?
Watched sick-flick film with Maisie Williams (Arya Stark): she has another "bucket" list in it.
I don't even think I am the "live like you are dying" type. I'd just mope and sink into my shell, convinced the universe really hates me.
Speaking of the universe ...
Some times I wonder ...
Been listening to a lot of physics podcasts lately ... my dream profession had been Astrophysicist. I got intimidated by high school Enriched Physics and dropped out ... fearing I would fail, anyway.
I regret it ... and not pursuing math beyond the 12th grade.
File on my list of life regrets
... Physics
Master's or PhD
Jeopardy
Better relationship with my mom
Life feels like it's running away .... I want a time-loop do-over until I get it right.
Life's okay ... some times.
But sometimes ...
I wonder.
... will I die alone?
... is the end of the world near?
... when does middle age start?
... am I an impostor?
... will I ever get a traditional publishing deal?
.... am I a real or good writer?
... do I have a good personality?
... am I intelligent?
... do people like me?
... why don't I do something good with my life?
Sometimes my doubts creep up. I want to brush dirt off my shoulders but it's hard.
Staying positive? I cling to little things.
The last couple days I'd been on high thinking I got this ... and I didn't have this (received some great feedback about a short story and was convinced it would be accepted). Received the rejection this morning. I stop investing in things. No longer hold my breath and keep my fingers crossed. I was once accused of not being "passionate." My response (which of course I kept in my head): I am so used to be disappointed I didn't want to run my anxiety up only to be deflated). Of course, I no longer know how to be happy when I receive good news.
Sometimes, I wonder about me ... and where all this is going ...
The rejection says "I kept the reader at bay when it comes to the character's reaction". The story of my life. I am terrible at expressing feelings ... just terrible. I empathize and think, think, ponder, cogitate, worry ... but I just don't express OUTWARDLY.
My characters are criticized for lacking agency, motivation, expressing themselves or simply being plain flat. I love big concepts but don't think I express them clearly.
Been reading about "sociological" writing versus psychological. Supposedly, Game of Thrones lost the plot in season 8 when it abandoned the former for the latter. Ideally, a writer needs both to be good at STORYTELLING.
I try to do both, but ultimately I prefer plot and structure over either but don't do it well.
Sometimes ...
I wonder if I could ever write an intelligent piece of fiction ... NK Jemisin's The Broken Earth trilogy, for example.
Do I have the psychological grasp of the sociological structures that impress upon people to churn out such in-depth storytelling?
I often accuse myself of "tired/lazy" writing ... when I write despite being too tired to care/focus.
Writing criticisms I frequently receive: complicated plots, staccato sentences, wordiness, "elevated" writing style .... which I blame on my general love affair with Jane Austen, Charles Dickens and Shakespeare ... I was a pretentious child, who rather liked saying "I shall" versus, " I will."
Sometimes I wonder why I attend writing groups...
Recently listened to a man rant about his older co-worker whom he believes is just showing up to work because he likes the companionship of his co-workers and having something to do, socially.
. I considered quitting writing groups after my mom died last November. And sometimes, especially after a rejection, I think I should give up writing ....
But I have nothing else.
I am not a cross-stitch, crochet-knitting, sell stuff on e-Bay and Etsy type. I can't learn pottery, and I have yet to show up to my soap-making and kickboxing classes (I am still making promises about better weather and stable finances. My older brother says to just do it).
And what will I do with myself?
Watched sick-flick film with Maisie Williams (Arya Stark): she has another "bucket" list in it.
I don't even think I am the "live like you are dying" type. I'd just mope and sink into my shell, convinced the universe really hates me.
Speaking of the universe ...
Some times I wonder ...
Been listening to a lot of physics podcasts lately ... my dream profession had been Astrophysicist. I got intimidated by high school Enriched Physics and dropped out ... fearing I would fail, anyway.
I regret it ... and not pursuing math beyond the 12th grade.
File on my list of life regrets
... Physics
Master's or PhD
Jeopardy
Better relationship with my mom
Life feels like it's running away .... I want a time-loop do-over until I get it right.
Life's okay ... some times.
But sometimes ...
I wonder.
- Published on
Those who've benefited the most are those often shut out of traditional media.
Virtual venues like Netflix, and social media have given voices and opportunities to those who otherwise would not have gotten it. So, in defense of alternate media, I say, thanks.
Virtual venues like Netflix, and social media have given voices and opportunities to those who otherwise would not have gotten it. So, in defense of alternate media, I say, thanks.
- Published on
They work. When you don't want to think. Do something. It tires you out., but you don't even get a chance to think about being tired.
- Published on
This is an overdue post in my How to be a Woman adventures!
Three weeks ago I finally decided be confrotnational. It was the toughest thing I ever did. I chickened out a couple times, and then finally, on the weekend, I wrote the email.
I did not know what to expect--an explosive argument or a concession and apology.
For years I have been saddled by misplaced, lapsed anger about what I should’ve/could’ve done during past episodes when I felt disrespected/condescended to/bullied. I always walk away, priding myself on my non-violent/argumentative stance. I convinced myself I was taking the high road—when they go low, I go high. Ultimately, this was a lie I told myself, a lie to hide my insecurities, fears, anxieties and cowardice, even. I backed down because I was afraid to stand up for myself. It allowed others to get away with believing they could do and say whatever to me they liked, because I would back down.
This led to years of “chip on shoulder” emotions boiling over. In my head were a slew of "trigger" words: so? No! Go! (spoken condescendingly or angrily). I couldn't escape the ruminations, nor obsessing over every slight. When it got bad, I seriously considered contacting those who’d wronged me in the past to confront them, be it social media or in-person. Ultimately, these solutions felt weird. The past was gone. Here was now. So, I focused on something else –the next time, I’d speak up.
Despite vowing to speak out when I am wronged, I didn't. I still found myself letting incidents slide, partly burdened by my own lack of confidence in my own judgment --did that person mean to speak down to me, I would ask myself. What if I was making a big deal out of nothing? What if I misinterpreted.? At the end of the day, I realized I was stalling and making excuses.
I knew I had to express my feelings. But, how to express myself with words when I wasn't big on talking? I resorted to my strong point--writing. I wrote my thoughts down, went over the words, made sure they said what I wanted to say, tone and everything, conveyed. I did this with the co-worker, and then I hit sent.
The worst of it was over. Once the inevitable happened --my coworker read it and responded, I received an apology. Of course, this went over better than most real life scenarios, and I partly banked on my coworker's personality and professionalism for a smooth resolution. I know in real life standing up to someone, particularly a stranger, or a bully with a bad personality, won’t be so easy. Nonetheless, it’s a breakthrough, the fulfillment of a promise I made to myself too many times to count. Stand up for yourself. Speak up. Keeping it all inside won’t help. Trust me.
Three weeks ago I finally decided be confrotnational. It was the toughest thing I ever did. I chickened out a couple times, and then finally, on the weekend, I wrote the email.
I did not know what to expect--an explosive argument or a concession and apology.
For years I have been saddled by misplaced, lapsed anger about what I should’ve/could’ve done during past episodes when I felt disrespected/condescended to/bullied. I always walk away, priding myself on my non-violent/argumentative stance. I convinced myself I was taking the high road—when they go low, I go high. Ultimately, this was a lie I told myself, a lie to hide my insecurities, fears, anxieties and cowardice, even. I backed down because I was afraid to stand up for myself. It allowed others to get away with believing they could do and say whatever to me they liked, because I would back down.
This led to years of “chip on shoulder” emotions boiling over. In my head were a slew of "trigger" words: so? No! Go! (spoken condescendingly or angrily). I couldn't escape the ruminations, nor obsessing over every slight. When it got bad, I seriously considered contacting those who’d wronged me in the past to confront them, be it social media or in-person. Ultimately, these solutions felt weird. The past was gone. Here was now. So, I focused on something else –the next time, I’d speak up.
Despite vowing to speak out when I am wronged, I didn't. I still found myself letting incidents slide, partly burdened by my own lack of confidence in my own judgment --did that person mean to speak down to me, I would ask myself. What if I was making a big deal out of nothing? What if I misinterpreted.? At the end of the day, I realized I was stalling and making excuses.
I knew I had to express my feelings. But, how to express myself with words when I wasn't big on talking? I resorted to my strong point--writing. I wrote my thoughts down, went over the words, made sure they said what I wanted to say, tone and everything, conveyed. I did this with the co-worker, and then I hit sent.
The worst of it was over. Once the inevitable happened --my coworker read it and responded, I received an apology. Of course, this went over better than most real life scenarios, and I partly banked on my coworker's personality and professionalism for a smooth resolution. I know in real life standing up to someone, particularly a stranger, or a bully with a bad personality, won’t be so easy. Nonetheless, it’s a breakthrough, the fulfillment of a promise I made to myself too many times to count. Stand up for yourself. Speak up. Keeping it all inside won’t help. Trust me.
- Published on
Smile
smile
smile
tomorrow is another day
smile
smile
smile
I am awake
smile
smile
smile
breathe
smile
smile
smile
wake up and do it again
smile
smile
tomorrow is another day
smile
smile
smile
I am awake
smile
smile
smile
breathe
smile
smile
smile
wake up and do it again
- Published on
How To Be A Woman Tip #1
De-clutter.
I am a hoarder. I have known this for sometime. Perhaps it is the fact of growing up working class without much to own, I have developed a fascination with collecting things, including broken or damaged things. The mindset is that broken things can be amended, re-purposed.
I am the type who is fascinated by people who turn throw-away/basic everyday things into art. I get carried away by the guy who makes artwork out of gum, or the woman who re-purposes old clothes into blankets and shawls. In my head, I am this type. The goal is to turn these trinkets into art one day. I am still waiting for that one day that I know in my heart will never come.The end result is that I have "collections" of little trinkets, things the world would dismiss as garbage (specialty store paper/plastic bags, designer tags/ buttons that have fallen off clothes), piling, and need more and more storage boxes.
I am the woman who will keep an old, falling apart piece of clothes because I really like the color, or the design, or out of sentimentality, the reason I still have my old high school gym shorts. I keep bags with broken straps with the intent to sew the strap back on, someday.
Those some-days are not coming.
Increasingly I have a "hunt for the perfect ...." mentally. The perfect sweater, the perfect winter boots, the perfect handbag. I convince myself that once I find the "perfect" INSERT ITEM, then I'll stop looking or shopping. Each time I find the "perfect" Item, then some new item comes around that I think is more ideal. And so the saga continues.
I have spent the last few months in a transitional phase ... donating and/or throwing away items that I cannot wear, don't like, or that can't fit anymore. It hasn't been easy. I buy clothes and shoes not because I need them, but because I want them, and I don't throw things out because they might still fit, and because, growing up, my family amended clothes, not get new ones.
Now, my clothes are meant to represent the woman I want to present to the world--casually professional and sophisticated, part tomboy, with an embrace of feminine aesthetics.
Learning to de-clutter has been therapeutic. Part of my process includes questioning why I have/want things. Often, the answer is that the "item" makes me happy. The rule that's been toughest is the "blind dump."--Throwing things out without checking what it is first. If I throw something away and don't miss it, then it wasn't worth keeping. I have gone through my cupboards and thrown out unused mugs and glasses that have been there so long they've yellowed. I have gone into the bathroom cabinet and decide to either a) use up items that are unfinished (1/4 bottles of perfume, for example), or b) throw out expired or dried/caked up items--I had a few of these). It's been useful.
Tips
1. Check to see if you have an item before you buy it.
2. Use up all your partly finished liquids/fluids before you buy more
3. Donate (you'll feel good)
4. Ask yourself why you are keeping this? (need, sentimentally, or just because?)
5. Organize/Label things into types or kinds (it helps to keep track of what you own, and if you can SEE THE LABEL you are more likely to be reminded of what you have and therefore more likely to consult/use the thing). Sometimes items are lost in the clutter, and I forget I have this or that.
6. Don't buy bulk unless it's for frequently used items (e.g. tissue). Limit items to a certain number. e.g, Only buy 5 volumes of one item every month, e.g.
7. Throw out "goods" boxes, after a month. Chances are, if you haven't returned the item after a month, you won't do so ever. If you do need to return it after this time, you only need a receipt.
8. Do a seasonal purge (make this a habit--spring cleaning, etc.)
9. Take a picture rather than keep the "cute" designer label tag for no reason. A virtual "art collection" is just as effective as a physical one. Seriously, taking pictures of things I like, such as a "cute" button or bottle still allows me to create a collage out of that item rather than store those items in boxes at home and never get around to doing anything with them.
P.S. Scanning important documents work, too. Plenty of online storage. If you insist on keeping physical copies, then do so, but purge after three years (government--taxes)--keep things like contracts, mortgage papers, etc.
10. Fold laundry. sheets, etc. Folded clothes take up less space. Seriously.
De-clutter.
I am a hoarder. I have known this for sometime. Perhaps it is the fact of growing up working class without much to own, I have developed a fascination with collecting things, including broken or damaged things. The mindset is that broken things can be amended, re-purposed.
I am the type who is fascinated by people who turn throw-away/basic everyday things into art. I get carried away by the guy who makes artwork out of gum, or the woman who re-purposes old clothes into blankets and shawls. In my head, I am this type. The goal is to turn these trinkets into art one day. I am still waiting for that one day that I know in my heart will never come.The end result is that I have "collections" of little trinkets, things the world would dismiss as garbage (specialty store paper/plastic bags, designer tags/ buttons that have fallen off clothes), piling, and need more and more storage boxes.
I am the woman who will keep an old, falling apart piece of clothes because I really like the color, or the design, or out of sentimentality, the reason I still have my old high school gym shorts. I keep bags with broken straps with the intent to sew the strap back on, someday.
Those some-days are not coming.
Increasingly I have a "hunt for the perfect ...." mentally. The perfect sweater, the perfect winter boots, the perfect handbag. I convince myself that once I find the "perfect" INSERT ITEM, then I'll stop looking or shopping. Each time I find the "perfect" Item, then some new item comes around that I think is more ideal. And so the saga continues.
I have spent the last few months in a transitional phase ... donating and/or throwing away items that I cannot wear, don't like, or that can't fit anymore. It hasn't been easy. I buy clothes and shoes not because I need them, but because I want them, and I don't throw things out because they might still fit, and because, growing up, my family amended clothes, not get new ones.
Now, my clothes are meant to represent the woman I want to present to the world--casually professional and sophisticated, part tomboy, with an embrace of feminine aesthetics.
Learning to de-clutter has been therapeutic. Part of my process includes questioning why I have/want things. Often, the answer is that the "item" makes me happy. The rule that's been toughest is the "blind dump."--Throwing things out without checking what it is first. If I throw something away and don't miss it, then it wasn't worth keeping. I have gone through my cupboards and thrown out unused mugs and glasses that have been there so long they've yellowed. I have gone into the bathroom cabinet and decide to either a) use up items that are unfinished (1/4 bottles of perfume, for example), or b) throw out expired or dried/caked up items--I had a few of these). It's been useful.
Tips
1. Check to see if you have an item before you buy it.
2. Use up all your partly finished liquids/fluids before you buy more
3. Donate (you'll feel good)
4. Ask yourself why you are keeping this? (need, sentimentally, or just because?)
5. Organize/Label things into types or kinds (it helps to keep track of what you own, and if you can SEE THE LABEL you are more likely to be reminded of what you have and therefore more likely to consult/use the thing). Sometimes items are lost in the clutter, and I forget I have this or that.
6. Don't buy bulk unless it's for frequently used items (e.g. tissue). Limit items to a certain number. e.g, Only buy 5 volumes of one item every month, e.g.
7. Throw out "goods" boxes, after a month. Chances are, if you haven't returned the item after a month, you won't do so ever. If you do need to return it after this time, you only need a receipt.
8. Do a seasonal purge (make this a habit--spring cleaning, etc.)
9. Take a picture rather than keep the "cute" designer label tag for no reason. A virtual "art collection" is just as effective as a physical one. Seriously, taking pictures of things I like, such as a "cute" button or bottle still allows me to create a collage out of that item rather than store those items in boxes at home and never get around to doing anything with them.
P.S. Scanning important documents work, too. Plenty of online storage. If you insist on keeping physical copies, then do so, but purge after three years (government--taxes)--keep things like contracts, mortgage papers, etc.
10. Fold laundry. sheets, etc. Folded clothes take up less space. Seriously.
- Published on
- Published on
This was a tough year for me. It started off well and progressed well but ended horribly with the death of my mom. It has not been easy going forward, and probably won't be easy ever again. Nonetheless, there were some things that I loved about 2018. Inspired by ForeverPresident Obama, here's my list.
Favorite Things 2018
1. Podcasts -
a. Lore (created/hosted by Aaron Manke). If you're not listening, you are missing out. Aaron Manke, in only the way he can, brings to life the creepiness of real world mysteries, lores and legends. Listening to this, I find myself questioning if any of it was really true. The answer? YES! Well researched, Manke is a storyteller at heart, and has done a good job creeping out his listeners.
-b. -.Stuff to Blow Your Mind/Stuff You Should Know
Another podcast that has done a good job educating me about just about everything, and has made me want to look up everything they mention. You won't regret it.
2. Tdotspec --the upstart publishing company has made me a published author (Strange Economics). Please check it out, if you haven't already.
3. Winners -- I'm addicted and really should cut down on my shopping addictions. In the mean time, I am always looking for the next great find.
4. Matcha -- I am late to the matcha latte/everything party, but am glad I arrived anyway. By the way, try the matcha green tea chocolate bar (Kitkat/nestle). You won't regret it.
5. Essential Oils --this was the year I was to discover my inner natural goddess. Lavender became my go-to color/choice of oil, but I'm loving peppermint, tea tree and milk thistle.
6. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses. Ironic that now that I have hit my weight goal, I am more determined than ever to cover up. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses are cozy and comfortable. A girl never can have too many oversized sweaters. They're practical for winter, and even summer when the air conditioning is simply too high.
7. Musical Artists:
a. Jessie Reyez. My new Amy Winehouse. What a voice, and what an attitude. According to the 'loco Colombiana', her "straight jacket's custom-made.'
b. Janelle Monae's "Dirty Computer.' The archandroid is everything I wish I could be --cool and nerdy, and this album is catchy and sing-a-long. PERFECT. Blerds represent.
c. Buju Banton --the Jamaican Reggae artist was released from prison in early December 2018. I rediscovered his 'Til Shiloh' album. It's a classic. I've been obsessively listening to it for months.
8. Marvel Studios. Thanks for giving me lighthearted entertainment to get me through tough times. I loved the Black Panther. I was mad, sad and happy about Infinity Wars, and look forward to Endgame.
9. My Fitness Pal -- this is a little tricky. It's a "health/diet" app. But, I am in agreement that anything that helps me track what I am eating/putting in my body is good. And it's free!
10. Google Home --I am of the desire that someday, and I hope I live to experience it, we'll all have robots and AIs in the home called genie/avatars that do our bidding. Google Home (and other assistants) is the first step. Not great. I'm still waiting for it to read me my horoscope and give me life advice. In the meantime, I take comfort in asking it odd questions.
Favorite Things 2018
1. Podcasts -
a. Lore (created/hosted by Aaron Manke). If you're not listening, you are missing out. Aaron Manke, in only the way he can, brings to life the creepiness of real world mysteries, lores and legends. Listening to this, I find myself questioning if any of it was really true. The answer? YES! Well researched, Manke is a storyteller at heart, and has done a good job creeping out his listeners.
-b. -.Stuff to Blow Your Mind/Stuff You Should Know
Another podcast that has done a good job educating me about just about everything, and has made me want to look up everything they mention. You won't regret it.
2. Tdotspec --the upstart publishing company has made me a published author (Strange Economics). Please check it out, if you haven't already.
3. Winners -- I'm addicted and really should cut down on my shopping addictions. In the mean time, I am always looking for the next great find.
4. Matcha -- I am late to the matcha latte/everything party, but am glad I arrived anyway. By the way, try the matcha green tea chocolate bar (Kitkat/nestle). You won't regret it.
5. Essential Oils --this was the year I was to discover my inner natural goddess. Lavender became my go-to color/choice of oil, but I'm loving peppermint, tea tree and milk thistle.
6. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses. Ironic that now that I have hit my weight goal, I am more determined than ever to cover up. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses are cozy and comfortable. A girl never can have too many oversized sweaters. They're practical for winter, and even summer when the air conditioning is simply too high.
7. Musical Artists:
a. Jessie Reyez. My new Amy Winehouse. What a voice, and what an attitude. According to the 'loco Colombiana', her "straight jacket's custom-made.'
b. Janelle Monae's "Dirty Computer.' The archandroid is everything I wish I could be --cool and nerdy, and this album is catchy and sing-a-long. PERFECT. Blerds represent.
c. Buju Banton --the Jamaican Reggae artist was released from prison in early December 2018. I rediscovered his 'Til Shiloh' album. It's a classic. I've been obsessively listening to it for months.
8. Marvel Studios. Thanks for giving me lighthearted entertainment to get me through tough times. I loved the Black Panther. I was mad, sad and happy about Infinity Wars, and look forward to Endgame.
9. My Fitness Pal -- this is a little tricky. It's a "health/diet" app. But, I am in agreement that anything that helps me track what I am eating/putting in my body is good. And it's free!
10. Google Home --I am of the desire that someday, and I hope I live to experience it, we'll all have robots and AIs in the home called genie/avatars that do our bidding. Google Home (and other assistants) is the first step. Not great. I'm still waiting for it to read me my horoscope and give me life advice. In the meantime, I take comfort in asking it odd questions.
- Published on
The last month has been hell for me, the worst, heart-crushing experience of my life. I lost my mother, and there's no magic in the world that can bring her back, no spell to cast to undo the ravages of time and death, the destroyers of worlds. It's hard to move on, not while I'd prefer to crawl away from the world and sleep it off. I have little energy to write, and am confused and resentful that the world keeps moving without my mother.
I am haunted by her memories, woken deep into the night by her calling my name, and stuck in the psychological torment of "what if". I hid my writing from her. She knew I wrote, but never truly read any of my work, and I regret wholeheartedly all the missed opportunities, hugs, and communications, and there's now no way to re-do these never-moments. All of my tomorrows are not worthy enough to regain the 40 yesterdays and counting since she was here.
I'll have to find a way, even if the things I love are bitter and useless to my existence in the current time. It's what my mother would've wanted. Always and forever!
I am haunted by her memories, woken deep into the night by her calling my name, and stuck in the psychological torment of "what if". I hid my writing from her. She knew I wrote, but never truly read any of my work, and I regret wholeheartedly all the missed opportunities, hugs, and communications, and there's now no way to re-do these never-moments. All of my tomorrows are not worthy enough to regain the 40 yesterdays and counting since she was here.
I'll have to find a way, even if the things I love are bitter and useless to my existence in the current time. It's what my mother would've wanted. Always and forever!
- Published on
Grapenut ice cream became my obsession this summer--three batches, and three results later, here goes.
The summer of learning to eat healthily meant learning to make my favorite foods at home. A staple of my childhood was grapenut ice cream, popular in Jamaica; and, according to the web, New England and Nova Scotia---no surprise, since all these locations are heavily influenced by Scotland.
To my surprise, grape-nut was not made of the nut of grapes but wheat and barley, and even bigger, Canada no longer carried the boxed cereal. Thank heavens for Amazon. My box of Grape-Nut came flying in from the UK, a little pricier than the average cereal at $17cdn ( P.S. The actual cereal is manufactured in USA by the Kellogs company).
In Toronto, the ice cream is sold at specialty shops— Cactus grocery store in North York is my go-to location--but the beauty of making it on my own was that I could control the ingredients to keep in line with my healthier eating: cream (low fat for me), milk (skimmed/lactose-free), eggs, and sugar (half the recommended amount). First attempt was a success, though I lacked the proper “creaming” equipment.
The second attempt was tricky, because my focus was on fat--low was not good enough. I searched out substitutes; instead of cream, I whipped together nonfat cottage cheese (Yes, this exists). It worked (minus the “creaming equipment” issue). The taste wasn’t great. It had a dry cardboard stickiness (PS. the flavor comes from the actual grapenut cereal).
Third attempt: brilliant, and would you believe it, I discovered the existence of non-fat creamer (Nielson, thank you). Now, not saying mine’s as good as the store-sold ice cream, but it’s good enough, with less sugar and fat. And it’s quite fun to make on my own.
Low fat Grape-nut Ice Cream
Neilson fresh fat-free creamer
Grapenut cereal
Lactose-free skimmed milk
Eggs/ sugar (reduced ingredients)
vanilla extract
The summer of learning to eat healthily meant learning to make my favorite foods at home. A staple of my childhood was grapenut ice cream, popular in Jamaica; and, according to the web, New England and Nova Scotia---no surprise, since all these locations are heavily influenced by Scotland.
To my surprise, grape-nut was not made of the nut of grapes but wheat and barley, and even bigger, Canada no longer carried the boxed cereal. Thank heavens for Amazon. My box of Grape-Nut came flying in from the UK, a little pricier than the average cereal at $17cdn ( P.S. The actual cereal is manufactured in USA by the Kellogs company).
In Toronto, the ice cream is sold at specialty shops— Cactus grocery store in North York is my go-to location--but the beauty of making it on my own was that I could control the ingredients to keep in line with my healthier eating: cream (low fat for me), milk (skimmed/lactose-free), eggs, and sugar (half the recommended amount). First attempt was a success, though I lacked the proper “creaming” equipment.
The second attempt was tricky, because my focus was on fat--low was not good enough. I searched out substitutes; instead of cream, I whipped together nonfat cottage cheese (Yes, this exists). It worked (minus the “creaming equipment” issue). The taste wasn’t great. It had a dry cardboard stickiness (PS. the flavor comes from the actual grapenut cereal).
Third attempt: brilliant, and would you believe it, I discovered the existence of non-fat creamer (Nielson, thank you). Now, not saying mine’s as good as the store-sold ice cream, but it’s good enough, with less sugar and fat. And it’s quite fun to make on my own.
Low fat Grape-nut Ice Cream
Neilson fresh fat-free creamer
Grapenut cereal
Lactose-free skimmed milk
Eggs/ sugar (reduced ingredients)
vanilla extract