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Those who've benefited the most are those often shut out of traditional media.
Virtual venues like Netflix, and social media have given voices and opportunities to those who otherwise would not have gotten it. So, in defense of alternate media, I say, thanks.
Virtual venues like Netflix, and social media have given voices and opportunities to those who otherwise would not have gotten it. So, in defense of alternate media, I say, thanks.
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They work. When you don't want to think. Do something. It tires you out., but you don't even get a chance to think about being tired.
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This is an overdue post in my How to be a Woman adventures!
Three weeks ago I finally decided be confrotnational. It was the toughest thing I ever did. I chickened out a couple times, and then finally, on the weekend, I wrote the email.
I did not know what to expect--an explosive argument or a concession and apology.
For years I have been saddled by misplaced, lapsed anger about what I should’ve/could’ve done during past episodes when I felt disrespected/condescended to/bullied. I always walk away, priding myself on my non-violent/argumentative stance. I convinced myself I was taking the high road—when they go low, I go high. Ultimately, this was a lie I told myself, a lie to hide my insecurities, fears, anxieties and cowardice, even. I backed down because I was afraid to stand up for myself. It allowed others to get away with believing they could do and say whatever to me they liked, because I would back down.
This led to years of “chip on shoulder” emotions boiling over. In my head were a slew of "trigger" words: so? No! Go! (spoken condescendingly or angrily). I couldn't escape the ruminations, nor obsessing over every slight. When it got bad, I seriously considered contacting those who’d wronged me in the past to confront them, be it social media or in-person. Ultimately, these solutions felt weird. The past was gone. Here was now. So, I focused on something else –the next time, I’d speak up.
Despite vowing to speak out when I am wronged, I didn't. I still found myself letting incidents slide, partly burdened by my own lack of confidence in my own judgment --did that person mean to speak down to me, I would ask myself. What if I was making a big deal out of nothing? What if I misinterpreted.? At the end of the day, I realized I was stalling and making excuses.
I knew I had to express my feelings. But, how to express myself with words when I wasn't big on talking? I resorted to my strong point--writing. I wrote my thoughts down, went over the words, made sure they said what I wanted to say, tone and everything, conveyed. I did this with the co-worker, and then I hit sent.
The worst of it was over. Once the inevitable happened --my coworker read it and responded, I received an apology. Of course, this went over better than most real life scenarios, and I partly banked on my coworker's personality and professionalism for a smooth resolution. I know in real life standing up to someone, particularly a stranger, or a bully with a bad personality, won’t be so easy. Nonetheless, it’s a breakthrough, the fulfillment of a promise I made to myself too many times to count. Stand up for yourself. Speak up. Keeping it all inside won’t help. Trust me.
Three weeks ago I finally decided be confrotnational. It was the toughest thing I ever did. I chickened out a couple times, and then finally, on the weekend, I wrote the email.
I did not know what to expect--an explosive argument or a concession and apology.
For years I have been saddled by misplaced, lapsed anger about what I should’ve/could’ve done during past episodes when I felt disrespected/condescended to/bullied. I always walk away, priding myself on my non-violent/argumentative stance. I convinced myself I was taking the high road—when they go low, I go high. Ultimately, this was a lie I told myself, a lie to hide my insecurities, fears, anxieties and cowardice, even. I backed down because I was afraid to stand up for myself. It allowed others to get away with believing they could do and say whatever to me they liked, because I would back down.
This led to years of “chip on shoulder” emotions boiling over. In my head were a slew of "trigger" words: so? No! Go! (spoken condescendingly or angrily). I couldn't escape the ruminations, nor obsessing over every slight. When it got bad, I seriously considered contacting those who’d wronged me in the past to confront them, be it social media or in-person. Ultimately, these solutions felt weird. The past was gone. Here was now. So, I focused on something else –the next time, I’d speak up.
Despite vowing to speak out when I am wronged, I didn't. I still found myself letting incidents slide, partly burdened by my own lack of confidence in my own judgment --did that person mean to speak down to me, I would ask myself. What if I was making a big deal out of nothing? What if I misinterpreted.? At the end of the day, I realized I was stalling and making excuses.
I knew I had to express my feelings. But, how to express myself with words when I wasn't big on talking? I resorted to my strong point--writing. I wrote my thoughts down, went over the words, made sure they said what I wanted to say, tone and everything, conveyed. I did this with the co-worker, and then I hit sent.
The worst of it was over. Once the inevitable happened --my coworker read it and responded, I received an apology. Of course, this went over better than most real life scenarios, and I partly banked on my coworker's personality and professionalism for a smooth resolution. I know in real life standing up to someone, particularly a stranger, or a bully with a bad personality, won’t be so easy. Nonetheless, it’s a breakthrough, the fulfillment of a promise I made to myself too many times to count. Stand up for yourself. Speak up. Keeping it all inside won’t help. Trust me.
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Smile
smile
smile
tomorrow is another day
smile
smile
smile
I am awake
smile
smile
smile
breathe
smile
smile
smile
wake up and do it again
smile
smile
tomorrow is another day
smile
smile
smile
I am awake
smile
smile
smile
breathe
smile
smile
smile
wake up and do it again
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How To Be A Woman Tip #1
De-clutter.
I am a hoarder. I have known this for sometime. Perhaps it is the fact of growing up working class without much to own, I have developed a fascination with collecting things, including broken or damaged things. The mindset is that broken things can be amended, re-purposed.
I am the type who is fascinated by people who turn throw-away/basic everyday things into art. I get carried away by the guy who makes artwork out of gum, or the woman who re-purposes old clothes into blankets and shawls. In my head, I am this type. The goal is to turn these trinkets into art one day. I am still waiting for that one day that I know in my heart will never come.The end result is that I have "collections" of little trinkets, things the world would dismiss as garbage (specialty store paper/plastic bags, designer tags/ buttons that have fallen off clothes), piling, and need more and more storage boxes.
I am the woman who will keep an old, falling apart piece of clothes because I really like the color, or the design, or out of sentimentality, the reason I still have my old high school gym shorts. I keep bags with broken straps with the intent to sew the strap back on, someday.
Those some-days are not coming.
Increasingly I have a "hunt for the perfect ...." mentally. The perfect sweater, the perfect winter boots, the perfect handbag. I convince myself that once I find the "perfect" INSERT ITEM, then I'll stop looking or shopping. Each time I find the "perfect" Item, then some new item comes around that I think is more ideal. And so the saga continues.
I have spent the last few months in a transitional phase ... donating and/or throwing away items that I cannot wear, don't like, or that can't fit anymore. It hasn't been easy. I buy clothes and shoes not because I need them, but because I want them, and I don't throw things out because they might still fit, and because, growing up, my family amended clothes, not get new ones.
Now, my clothes are meant to represent the woman I want to present to the world--casually professional and sophisticated, part tomboy, with an embrace of feminine aesthetics.
Learning to de-clutter has been therapeutic. Part of my process includes questioning why I have/want things. Often, the answer is that the "item" makes me happy. The rule that's been toughest is the "blind dump."--Throwing things out without checking what it is first. If I throw something away and don't miss it, then it wasn't worth keeping. I have gone through my cupboards and thrown out unused mugs and glasses that have been there so long they've yellowed. I have gone into the bathroom cabinet and decide to either a) use up items that are unfinished (1/4 bottles of perfume, for example), or b) throw out expired or dried/caked up items--I had a few of these). It's been useful.
Tips
1. Check to see if you have an item before you buy it.
2. Use up all your partly finished liquids/fluids before you buy more
3. Donate (you'll feel good)
4. Ask yourself why you are keeping this? (need, sentimentally, or just because?)
5. Organize/Label things into types or kinds (it helps to keep track of what you own, and if you can SEE THE LABEL you are more likely to be reminded of what you have and therefore more likely to consult/use the thing). Sometimes items are lost in the clutter, and I forget I have this or that.
6. Don't buy bulk unless it's for frequently used items (e.g. tissue). Limit items to a certain number. e.g, Only buy 5 volumes of one item every month, e.g.
7. Throw out "goods" boxes, after a month. Chances are, if you haven't returned the item after a month, you won't do so ever. If you do need to return it after this time, you only need a receipt.
8. Do a seasonal purge (make this a habit--spring cleaning, etc.)
9. Take a picture rather than keep the "cute" designer label tag for no reason. A virtual "art collection" is just as effective as a physical one. Seriously, taking pictures of things I like, such as a "cute" button or bottle still allows me to create a collage out of that item rather than store those items in boxes at home and never get around to doing anything with them.
P.S. Scanning important documents work, too. Plenty of online storage. If you insist on keeping physical copies, then do so, but purge after three years (government--taxes)--keep things like contracts, mortgage papers, etc.
10. Fold laundry. sheets, etc. Folded clothes take up less space. Seriously.
De-clutter.
I am a hoarder. I have known this for sometime. Perhaps it is the fact of growing up working class without much to own, I have developed a fascination with collecting things, including broken or damaged things. The mindset is that broken things can be amended, re-purposed.
I am the type who is fascinated by people who turn throw-away/basic everyday things into art. I get carried away by the guy who makes artwork out of gum, or the woman who re-purposes old clothes into blankets and shawls. In my head, I am this type. The goal is to turn these trinkets into art one day. I am still waiting for that one day that I know in my heart will never come.The end result is that I have "collections" of little trinkets, things the world would dismiss as garbage (specialty store paper/plastic bags, designer tags/ buttons that have fallen off clothes), piling, and need more and more storage boxes.
I am the woman who will keep an old, falling apart piece of clothes because I really like the color, or the design, or out of sentimentality, the reason I still have my old high school gym shorts. I keep bags with broken straps with the intent to sew the strap back on, someday.
Those some-days are not coming.
Increasingly I have a "hunt for the perfect ...." mentally. The perfect sweater, the perfect winter boots, the perfect handbag. I convince myself that once I find the "perfect" INSERT ITEM, then I'll stop looking or shopping. Each time I find the "perfect" Item, then some new item comes around that I think is more ideal. And so the saga continues.
I have spent the last few months in a transitional phase ... donating and/or throwing away items that I cannot wear, don't like, or that can't fit anymore. It hasn't been easy. I buy clothes and shoes not because I need them, but because I want them, and I don't throw things out because they might still fit, and because, growing up, my family amended clothes, not get new ones.
Now, my clothes are meant to represent the woman I want to present to the world--casually professional and sophisticated, part tomboy, with an embrace of feminine aesthetics.
Learning to de-clutter has been therapeutic. Part of my process includes questioning why I have/want things. Often, the answer is that the "item" makes me happy. The rule that's been toughest is the "blind dump."--Throwing things out without checking what it is first. If I throw something away and don't miss it, then it wasn't worth keeping. I have gone through my cupboards and thrown out unused mugs and glasses that have been there so long they've yellowed. I have gone into the bathroom cabinet and decide to either a) use up items that are unfinished (1/4 bottles of perfume, for example), or b) throw out expired or dried/caked up items--I had a few of these). It's been useful.
Tips
1. Check to see if you have an item before you buy it.
2. Use up all your partly finished liquids/fluids before you buy more
3. Donate (you'll feel good)
4. Ask yourself why you are keeping this? (need, sentimentally, or just because?)
5. Organize/Label things into types or kinds (it helps to keep track of what you own, and if you can SEE THE LABEL you are more likely to be reminded of what you have and therefore more likely to consult/use the thing). Sometimes items are lost in the clutter, and I forget I have this or that.
6. Don't buy bulk unless it's for frequently used items (e.g. tissue). Limit items to a certain number. e.g, Only buy 5 volumes of one item every month, e.g.
7. Throw out "goods" boxes, after a month. Chances are, if you haven't returned the item after a month, you won't do so ever. If you do need to return it after this time, you only need a receipt.
8. Do a seasonal purge (make this a habit--spring cleaning, etc.)
9. Take a picture rather than keep the "cute" designer label tag for no reason. A virtual "art collection" is just as effective as a physical one. Seriously, taking pictures of things I like, such as a "cute" button or bottle still allows me to create a collage out of that item rather than store those items in boxes at home and never get around to doing anything with them.
P.S. Scanning important documents work, too. Plenty of online storage. If you insist on keeping physical copies, then do so, but purge after three years (government--taxes)--keep things like contracts, mortgage papers, etc.
10. Fold laundry. sheets, etc. Folded clothes take up less space. Seriously.
- Published on
- Published on
This was a tough year for me. It started off well and progressed well but ended horribly with the death of my mom. It has not been easy going forward, and probably won't be easy ever again. Nonetheless, there were some things that I loved about 2018. Inspired by ForeverPresident Obama, here's my list.
Favorite Things 2018
1. Podcasts -
a. Lore (created/hosted by Aaron Manke). If you're not listening, you are missing out. Aaron Manke, in only the way he can, brings to life the creepiness of real world mysteries, lores and legends. Listening to this, I find myself questioning if any of it was really true. The answer? YES! Well researched, Manke is a storyteller at heart, and has done a good job creeping out his listeners.
-b. -.Stuff to Blow Your Mind/Stuff You Should Know
Another podcast that has done a good job educating me about just about everything, and has made me want to look up everything they mention. You won't regret it.
2. Tdotspec --the upstart publishing company has made me a published author (Strange Economics). Please check it out, if you haven't already.
3. Winners -- I'm addicted and really should cut down on my shopping addictions. In the mean time, I am always looking for the next great find.
4. Matcha -- I am late to the matcha latte/everything party, but am glad I arrived anyway. By the way, try the matcha green tea chocolate bar (Kitkat/nestle). You won't regret it.
5. Essential Oils --this was the year I was to discover my inner natural goddess. Lavender became my go-to color/choice of oil, but I'm loving peppermint, tea tree and milk thistle.
6. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses. Ironic that now that I have hit my weight goal, I am more determined than ever to cover up. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses are cozy and comfortable. A girl never can have too many oversized sweaters. They're practical for winter, and even summer when the air conditioning is simply too high.
7. Musical Artists:
a. Jessie Reyez. My new Amy Winehouse. What a voice, and what an attitude. According to the 'loco Colombiana', her "straight jacket's custom-made.'
b. Janelle Monae's "Dirty Computer.' The archandroid is everything I wish I could be --cool and nerdy, and this album is catchy and sing-a-long. PERFECT. Blerds represent.
c. Buju Banton --the Jamaican Reggae artist was released from prison in early December 2018. I rediscovered his 'Til Shiloh' album. It's a classic. I've been obsessively listening to it for months.
8. Marvel Studios. Thanks for giving me lighthearted entertainment to get me through tough times. I loved the Black Panther. I was mad, sad and happy about Infinity Wars, and look forward to Endgame.
9. My Fitness Pal -- this is a little tricky. It's a "health/diet" app. But, I am in agreement that anything that helps me track what I am eating/putting in my body is good. And it's free!
10. Google Home --I am of the desire that someday, and I hope I live to experience it, we'll all have robots and AIs in the home called genie/avatars that do our bidding. Google Home (and other assistants) is the first step. Not great. I'm still waiting for it to read me my horoscope and give me life advice. In the meantime, I take comfort in asking it odd questions.
Favorite Things 2018
1. Podcasts -
a. Lore (created/hosted by Aaron Manke). If you're not listening, you are missing out. Aaron Manke, in only the way he can, brings to life the creepiness of real world mysteries, lores and legends. Listening to this, I find myself questioning if any of it was really true. The answer? YES! Well researched, Manke is a storyteller at heart, and has done a good job creeping out his listeners.
-b. -.Stuff to Blow Your Mind/Stuff You Should Know
Another podcast that has done a good job educating me about just about everything, and has made me want to look up everything they mention. You won't regret it.
2. Tdotspec --the upstart publishing company has made me a published author (Strange Economics). Please check it out, if you haven't already.
3. Winners -- I'm addicted and really should cut down on my shopping addictions. In the mean time, I am always looking for the next great find.
4. Matcha -- I am late to the matcha latte/everything party, but am glad I arrived anyway. By the way, try the matcha green tea chocolate bar (Kitkat/nestle). You won't regret it.
5. Essential Oils --this was the year I was to discover my inner natural goddess. Lavender became my go-to color/choice of oil, but I'm loving peppermint, tea tree and milk thistle.
6. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses. Ironic that now that I have hit my weight goal, I am more determined than ever to cover up. Oversized sweaters/shirt-dresses are cozy and comfortable. A girl never can have too many oversized sweaters. They're practical for winter, and even summer when the air conditioning is simply too high.
7. Musical Artists:
a. Jessie Reyez. My new Amy Winehouse. What a voice, and what an attitude. According to the 'loco Colombiana', her "straight jacket's custom-made.'
b. Janelle Monae's "Dirty Computer.' The archandroid is everything I wish I could be --cool and nerdy, and this album is catchy and sing-a-long. PERFECT. Blerds represent.
c. Buju Banton --the Jamaican Reggae artist was released from prison in early December 2018. I rediscovered his 'Til Shiloh' album. It's a classic. I've been obsessively listening to it for months.
8. Marvel Studios. Thanks for giving me lighthearted entertainment to get me through tough times. I loved the Black Panther. I was mad, sad and happy about Infinity Wars, and look forward to Endgame.
9. My Fitness Pal -- this is a little tricky. It's a "health/diet" app. But, I am in agreement that anything that helps me track what I am eating/putting in my body is good. And it's free!
10. Google Home --I am of the desire that someday, and I hope I live to experience it, we'll all have robots and AIs in the home called genie/avatars that do our bidding. Google Home (and other assistants) is the first step. Not great. I'm still waiting for it to read me my horoscope and give me life advice. In the meantime, I take comfort in asking it odd questions.
- Published on
The last month has been hell for me, the worst, heart-crushing experience of my life. I lost my mother, and there's no magic in the world that can bring her back, no spell to cast to undo the ravages of time and death, the destroyers of worlds. It's hard to move on, not while I'd prefer to crawl away from the world and sleep it off. I have little energy to write, and am confused and resentful that the world keeps moving without my mother.
I am haunted by her memories, woken deep into the night by her calling my name, and stuck in the psychological torment of "what if". I hid my writing from her. She knew I wrote, but never truly read any of my work, and I regret wholeheartedly all the missed opportunities, hugs, and communications, and there's now no way to re-do these never-moments. All of my tomorrows are not worthy enough to regain the 40 yesterdays and counting since she was here.
I'll have to find a way, even if the things I love are bitter and useless to my existence in the current time. It's what my mother would've wanted. Always and forever!
I am haunted by her memories, woken deep into the night by her calling my name, and stuck in the psychological torment of "what if". I hid my writing from her. She knew I wrote, but never truly read any of my work, and I regret wholeheartedly all the missed opportunities, hugs, and communications, and there's now no way to re-do these never-moments. All of my tomorrows are not worthy enough to regain the 40 yesterdays and counting since she was here.
I'll have to find a way, even if the things I love are bitter and useless to my existence in the current time. It's what my mother would've wanted. Always and forever!
- Published on
Grapenut ice cream became my obsession this summer--three batches, and three results later, here goes.
The summer of learning to eat healthily meant learning to make my favorite foods at home. A staple of my childhood was grapenut ice cream, popular in Jamaica; and, according to the web, New England and Nova Scotia---no surprise, since all these locations are heavily influenced by Scotland.
To my surprise, grape-nut was not made of the nut of grapes but wheat and barley, and even bigger, Canada no longer carried the boxed cereal. Thank heavens for Amazon. My box of Grape-Nut came flying in from the UK, a little pricier than the average cereal at $17cdn ( P.S. The actual cereal is manufactured in USA by the Kellogs company).
In Toronto, the ice cream is sold at specialty shops— Cactus grocery store in North York is my go-to location--but the beauty of making it on my own was that I could control the ingredients to keep in line with my healthier eating: cream (low fat for me), milk (skimmed/lactose-free), eggs, and sugar (half the recommended amount). First attempt was a success, though I lacked the proper “creaming” equipment.
The second attempt was tricky, because my focus was on fat--low was not good enough. I searched out substitutes; instead of cream, I whipped together nonfat cottage cheese (Yes, this exists). It worked (minus the “creaming equipment” issue). The taste wasn’t great. It had a dry cardboard stickiness (PS. the flavor comes from the actual grapenut cereal).
Third attempt: brilliant, and would you believe it, I discovered the existence of non-fat creamer (Nielson, thank you). Now, not saying mine’s as good as the store-sold ice cream, but it’s good enough, with less sugar and fat. And it’s quite fun to make on my own.
Low fat Grape-nut Ice Cream
Neilson fresh fat-free creamer
Grapenut cereal
Lactose-free skimmed milk
Eggs/ sugar (reduced ingredients)
vanilla extract
The summer of learning to eat healthily meant learning to make my favorite foods at home. A staple of my childhood was grapenut ice cream, popular in Jamaica; and, according to the web, New England and Nova Scotia---no surprise, since all these locations are heavily influenced by Scotland.
To my surprise, grape-nut was not made of the nut of grapes but wheat and barley, and even bigger, Canada no longer carried the boxed cereal. Thank heavens for Amazon. My box of Grape-Nut came flying in from the UK, a little pricier than the average cereal at $17cdn ( P.S. The actual cereal is manufactured in USA by the Kellogs company).
In Toronto, the ice cream is sold at specialty shops— Cactus grocery store in North York is my go-to location--but the beauty of making it on my own was that I could control the ingredients to keep in line with my healthier eating: cream (low fat for me), milk (skimmed/lactose-free), eggs, and sugar (half the recommended amount). First attempt was a success, though I lacked the proper “creaming” equipment.
The second attempt was tricky, because my focus was on fat--low was not good enough. I searched out substitutes; instead of cream, I whipped together nonfat cottage cheese (Yes, this exists). It worked (minus the “creaming equipment” issue). The taste wasn’t great. It had a dry cardboard stickiness (PS. the flavor comes from the actual grapenut cereal).
Third attempt: brilliant, and would you believe it, I discovered the existence of non-fat creamer (Nielson, thank you). Now, not saying mine’s as good as the store-sold ice cream, but it’s good enough, with less sugar and fat. And it’s quite fun to make on my own.
Low fat Grape-nut Ice Cream
Neilson fresh fat-free creamer
Grapenut cereal
Lactose-free skimmed milk
Eggs/ sugar (reduced ingredients)
vanilla extract
- Published on
Over the last year, I decided to seriously invest in weight loss and health-conscious eating. I’ve always known myself to be a finicky eater—with a hatred of this and that that I can’t explain. I also knew I had a sweet-tooth, and a penchant for eating for comfort, boredom, and quelling my anxieties (and boy, am I anxious). In all, I call the past five years my “not me years” (no offence to anyone). Between 2012-2017, my weight jumped by an average of 5-6 pounds a year, and in the winter of 2017, I reached a scale-breaking crisis. I was sweating heavily, snoring, and struggling to breathe after performing basic physical tasks.
Then the cost to my vanity hit. I’d always been petite, and even while my weight jumped, I could still fit into smaller sizes. But then the world started to challenge me on this. I walked into a department store, picked up size 6 pants I was certain could still fit me, and the shopkeeper shouted at me from across the room, “That’s too small for you, honey,” and perhaps seeing my mortified face, added, “Oh, it wouldn’t fit me either.” Woman, bye. This was increasingly the case. I went fencing, and the instructor insisted on giving me a large-sized armor, even though I requested a small. The offenses racked up. I pulled out of rock-climbing and horseback riding out of fear of embarrassing myself, or getting caught in humiliating situations. At work, a safety expert from the government walked into the office and caught me standing on a stool, and persisted to ask one of the office supervisors if “that was safe for me.” Judging by the way he avoided my eyes, I knew what he meant—I was heavy, the stool might break under me.
Fed up, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I’d long known there was a correlation between my weight gain and my mental health (absent-minded eating), and in light of things that kept me up at night, mental health came out on top. I decided to focus on my brain. I started eating more “brain foods”—beets, walnuts, and even began taking rhodiola, and magnesium, as I suffer from magnesium deficiency. In all, I can say it helped. All of a sudden I wasn’t mindlessly reaching for things, or forgetting that I had a three course meal two hours ago, while in the middle of devoruing my second. Then weight watchers came, and later My Fitness Pal, and all of a sudden, my borderline OCD personality discovered a new obsession—calorie tracking. In the last year and a half, I have lost nearly fifty pounds.
CONGRATS, the job isn’t over yet.
Everyone has noticed how much I have lost. My clothes hang loosely off me, and even my shoes fit better. I still fear that my progress will be undermined. It’s tough. My brain still fights me. It says: you just ate a salad, now reward yourself with ice cream. Seriously, this is how my brain works. In the beginning, I was on a roll, losing 5-8 pounds a month, but since, I have been losing about 2-3 pounds every 2 months. I have yet to reach my goal. Though I am no longer using Weight Watchers, horrified by its point deductions, I am still using My Fitness Pal—it’s free. My diet hasn’t been all that greatly adhered to over the summer months—pub nights and Asian TV shows infused with food galore have destroyed my willpower.
Though I'm trying to keep calories under 1200, I am not confident I am succeeding—often I am guessing at calories for undocumented foods, from non-chain restaurants. But, I am that annoying girl who asks the waiter how many calories are in this bowl of ramen noodle (to the chagrin of everyone around me, including the waiter). It’s been a struggle to keep my carb, sugar, and daily fat intake in check with my daily goals. I’m either going over one or the other, even when my calorie count stays low.
What I have learned is that dieting works best at my own pace, when I am not resentful (only eating greens will drive me mad), and everything in moderation is true. Eat ice cream if you feel like it, or if all your friends are doing it- JUST DON’T OVERINDULGE, and if you do slip and eat that entire bucket of fried food during pub night, remember Scarlett O’hara’s words of inspiration: tomorrow’s another day (also: you might want to consider taking a long "powered" walk, the stairs, or putting on an uptempo song and dancing around for ten minutes).
The adventures continue …
Then the cost to my vanity hit. I’d always been petite, and even while my weight jumped, I could still fit into smaller sizes. But then the world started to challenge me on this. I walked into a department store, picked up size 6 pants I was certain could still fit me, and the shopkeeper shouted at me from across the room, “That’s too small for you, honey,” and perhaps seeing my mortified face, added, “Oh, it wouldn’t fit me either.” Woman, bye. This was increasingly the case. I went fencing, and the instructor insisted on giving me a large-sized armor, even though I requested a small. The offenses racked up. I pulled out of rock-climbing and horseback riding out of fear of embarrassing myself, or getting caught in humiliating situations. At work, a safety expert from the government walked into the office and caught me standing on a stool, and persisted to ask one of the office supervisors if “that was safe for me.” Judging by the way he avoided my eyes, I knew what he meant—I was heavy, the stool might break under me.
Fed up, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I’d long known there was a correlation between my weight gain and my mental health (absent-minded eating), and in light of things that kept me up at night, mental health came out on top. I decided to focus on my brain. I started eating more “brain foods”—beets, walnuts, and even began taking rhodiola, and magnesium, as I suffer from magnesium deficiency. In all, I can say it helped. All of a sudden I wasn’t mindlessly reaching for things, or forgetting that I had a three course meal two hours ago, while in the middle of devoruing my second. Then weight watchers came, and later My Fitness Pal, and all of a sudden, my borderline OCD personality discovered a new obsession—calorie tracking. In the last year and a half, I have lost nearly fifty pounds.
CONGRATS, the job isn’t over yet.
Everyone has noticed how much I have lost. My clothes hang loosely off me, and even my shoes fit better. I still fear that my progress will be undermined. It’s tough. My brain still fights me. It says: you just ate a salad, now reward yourself with ice cream. Seriously, this is how my brain works. In the beginning, I was on a roll, losing 5-8 pounds a month, but since, I have been losing about 2-3 pounds every 2 months. I have yet to reach my goal. Though I am no longer using Weight Watchers, horrified by its point deductions, I am still using My Fitness Pal—it’s free. My diet hasn’t been all that greatly adhered to over the summer months—pub nights and Asian TV shows infused with food galore have destroyed my willpower.
Though I'm trying to keep calories under 1200, I am not confident I am succeeding—often I am guessing at calories for undocumented foods, from non-chain restaurants. But, I am that annoying girl who asks the waiter how many calories are in this bowl of ramen noodle (to the chagrin of everyone around me, including the waiter). It’s been a struggle to keep my carb, sugar, and daily fat intake in check with my daily goals. I’m either going over one or the other, even when my calorie count stays low.
What I have learned is that dieting works best at my own pace, when I am not resentful (only eating greens will drive me mad), and everything in moderation is true. Eat ice cream if you feel like it, or if all your friends are doing it- JUST DON’T OVERINDULGE, and if you do slip and eat that entire bucket of fried food during pub night, remember Scarlett O’hara’s words of inspiration: tomorrow’s another day (also: you might want to consider taking a long "powered" walk, the stairs, or putting on an uptempo song and dancing around for ten minutes).
The adventures continue …