- Published on
I know the song lyric is 'wake me up when September ends,' and maybe 'nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain' is a better lyric, but either way, the post is dreary.
People are leaving Twitter (yes, I'm deadnaming it). By people, I mean the privileged--middle class, affluent, elitist-orgs, celebrities who are tired of ... being challenged about their dogma? Peasants talking back to them? Elon Musk acting like a rabid fanboy?
It's not clear.Twitter has swung from heavy left-centric to shifting right-centric. Neither option is good.
Bluesky or Threads are all the rage (for now). My old ass tried the former, found it dull and hostile, and now I'm trying Threads after accidentally finding myself on there. In an ideal world, the introvert in me wouldn't be on social media. But the hussle as a small-time author with a small publisher means the job is never done.
That's not the point of this post. I don't like November. The first week of the month should've been the greatest moment and yet the sulk has kicked in--the book release of The Civilization versus the anniversary of my mom's death, a fender bender, the scale, and the cold. There's a delicate unravel as the dark days are here--no more Halloween/pumpkin pie season.
Nothing lasts forever, even cold, November rain. But do wake me when it ends.
People are leaving Twitter (yes, I'm deadnaming it). By people, I mean the privileged--middle class, affluent, elitist-orgs, celebrities who are tired of ... being challenged about their dogma? Peasants talking back to them? Elon Musk acting like a rabid fanboy?
It's not clear.Twitter has swung from heavy left-centric to shifting right-centric. Neither option is good.
Bluesky or Threads are all the rage (for now). My old ass tried the former, found it dull and hostile, and now I'm trying Threads after accidentally finding myself on there. In an ideal world, the introvert in me wouldn't be on social media. But the hussle as a small-time author with a small publisher means the job is never done.
That's not the point of this post. I don't like November. The first week of the month should've been the greatest moment and yet the sulk has kicked in--the book release of The Civilization versus the anniversary of my mom's death, a fender bender, the scale, and the cold. There's a delicate unravel as the dark days are here--no more Halloween/pumpkin pie season.
Nothing lasts forever, even cold, November rain. But do wake me when it ends.
- Published on
I don't get nervous. I try not to get excited. I am not used to 'good things' happening to me. I am superstitious. Will I jinx myself? What if this is all a dream? So many dreams die in the womb of imagination, never quickening into existence.
It's closer, getting closer, and yet I still can't feel it in my grasp. When is it okay to feel it? When is it okay to say it aloud? Am I an imposter? I feel safe in the liminal. I feel content in the drift of never knowing, letting the rip tide of the mundane soak me through, never letting up.
But the mundane is so safe for so long. So calm for so long.
And then it begins.
And how will I handle it?
It's closer, getting closer, and yet I still can't feel it in my grasp. When is it okay to feel it? When is it okay to say it aloud? Am I an imposter? I feel safe in the liminal. I feel content in the drift of never knowing, letting the rip tide of the mundane soak me through, never letting up.
But the mundane is so safe for so long. So calm for so long.
And then it begins.
And how will I handle it?
- Published on
Watching the Olympics and protesting the Olympics at the same time.
It's weird hanging on to youth or pleasure, because the things that once brought you pleasure can so easily slip from your care.
Few things interest me.
It's a fight.
Struggling to write, struggling to sleep, struggling to eat.
This isn't a cry for help but direction.
I understand deja vu --I have been here before --day in and day out.
The sameness, the lameness, the aimless.
When will it rain?
It's weird hanging on to youth or pleasure, because the things that once brought you pleasure can so easily slip from your care.
Few things interest me.
It's a fight.
Struggling to write, struggling to sleep, struggling to eat.
This isn't a cry for help but direction.
I understand deja vu --I have been here before --day in and day out.
The sameness, the lameness, the aimless.
When will it rain?
- Published on
Riker Walks Into the Holodeck
- Published on
It's a state I long for--all my life I wanted it. Stability of mind, body, soul and place.
I hate moving. I hate changing. I lust and long for comfort.
I gave my self anxiety attacks over my fear of being forced to leave.
So I have a new place and I'm hesitating to fill it with things. My fear hasn't left me. I might be forced to leave. What if I am expected to leave tomorrow, next week, next month, six months from now, next year, or so forth.
My logic works like that ... minimalism in a world of uncertainty. I fantasize about not having too many things, about being able to walk away confidently from everything.
I like things, but don't like acquiring them. Why am I accumulating things? I need to get rid of things. Things equal permanence, attachment, stability. I want fewer things but keep acquiring more. I wake up and think, I should get rid of stuff, but then I wake up and think, I should get this. I am restless. I return things to stores and I feel good, but then I buy more things and I feel guilty.
Permanence is a fantasy and a dream I fear might be too costly to invest in.
The old adage is that as you get older you need stability and permanence. I feel more restless, and do not want a bond to the world and its machinations. I don't know if I'll ever not have these feelings.
Funnily, until a month ago I had nothing except clothes, shoes and some minor household items. Now, I have far more. A bed, televisions, furniture and a townhouse. I have complicated my life more than I needed to.
I keep thinking about that abandoned house on the web. It has all its furniture and even a car in the garage. The theory is that the couple that once owned it died suddenly. And no one claimed it, after. It exists, trapped in its 1970s decor, slowly succumbing to the entropy that decays all things in time.
The arguments for and against permanence are strong, either way. I could die today or live for the next sixty years. So, I guess I am forever restless.
I hate moving. I hate changing. I lust and long for comfort.
I gave my self anxiety attacks over my fear of being forced to leave.
So I have a new place and I'm hesitating to fill it with things. My fear hasn't left me. I might be forced to leave. What if I am expected to leave tomorrow, next week, next month, six months from now, next year, or so forth.
My logic works like that ... minimalism in a world of uncertainty. I fantasize about not having too many things, about being able to walk away confidently from everything.
I like things, but don't like acquiring them. Why am I accumulating things? I need to get rid of things. Things equal permanence, attachment, stability. I want fewer things but keep acquiring more. I wake up and think, I should get rid of stuff, but then I wake up and think, I should get this. I am restless. I return things to stores and I feel good, but then I buy more things and I feel guilty.
Permanence is a fantasy and a dream I fear might be too costly to invest in.
The old adage is that as you get older you need stability and permanence. I feel more restless, and do not want a bond to the world and its machinations. I don't know if I'll ever not have these feelings.
Funnily, until a month ago I had nothing except clothes, shoes and some minor household items. Now, I have far more. A bed, televisions, furniture and a townhouse. I have complicated my life more than I needed to.
I keep thinking about that abandoned house on the web. It has all its furniture and even a car in the garage. The theory is that the couple that once owned it died suddenly. And no one claimed it, after. It exists, trapped in its 1970s decor, slowly succumbing to the entropy that decays all things in time.
The arguments for and against permanence are strong, either way. I could die today or live for the next sixty years. So, I guess I am forever restless.
- Published on
Not sure I like it. Screwed. In the renovations process--drawn out and expensive.
Haven't gotten any writing done. I am existing not living. I am tired.
Been budgeting --stuff adults do, I guess.
Been dealing with things like utilities, mortgage and renovations.
Overwhelmed.
Where has all my free time gone?
Spam mail and all kinds of nonsense.
I am ready to go off the grid.
- Published on
How To Be A Woman Tip #1
De-clutter.
I am a hoarder. I have known this for sometime. Perhaps it is the fact of growing up working class without much to own, I have developed a fascination with collecting things, including broken or damaged things. The mindset is that broken things can be amended, re-purposed.
I am the type who is fascinated by people who turn throw-away/basic everyday things into art. I get carried away by the guy who makes artwork out of gum, or the woman who re-purposes old clothes into blankets and shawls. In my head, I am this type. The goal is to turn these trinkets into art one day. I am still waiting for that one day that I know in my heart will never come.The end result is that I have "collections" of little trinkets, things the world would dismiss as garbage (specialty store paper/plastic bags, designer tags/ buttons that have fallen off clothes), piling, and need more and more storage boxes.
I am the woman who will keep an old, falling apart piece of clothes because I really like the color, or the design, or out of sentimentality, the reason I still have my old high school gym shorts. I keep bags with broken straps with the intent to sew the strap back on, someday.
Those some-days are not coming.
Increasingly I have a "hunt for the perfect ...." mentally. The perfect sweater, the perfect winter boots, the perfect handbag. I convince myself that once I find the "perfect" INSERT ITEM, then I'll stop looking or shopping. Each time I find the "perfect" Item, then some new item comes around that I think is more ideal. And so the saga continues.
I have spent the last few months in a transitional phase ... donating and/or throwing away items that I cannot wear, don't like, or that can't fit anymore. It hasn't been easy. I buy clothes and shoes not because I need them, but because I want them, and I don't throw things out because they might still fit, and because, growing up, my family amended clothes, not get new ones.
Now, my clothes are meant to represent the woman I want to present to the world--casually professional and sophisticated, part tomboy, with an embrace of feminine aesthetics.
Learning to de-clutter has been therapeutic. Part of my process includes questioning why I have/want things. Often, the answer is that the "item" makes me happy. The rule that's been toughest is the "blind dump."--Throwing things out without checking what it is first. If I throw something away and don't miss it, then it wasn't worth keeping. I have gone through my cupboards and thrown out unused mugs and glasses that have been there so long they've yellowed. I have gone into the bathroom cabinet and decide to either a) use up items that are unfinished (1/4 bottles of perfume, for example), or b) throw out expired or dried/caked up items--I had a few of these). It's been useful.
Tips
1. Check to see if you have an item before you buy it.
2. Use up all your partly finished liquids/fluids before you buy more
3. Donate (you'll feel good)
4. Ask yourself why you are keeping this? (need, sentimentally, or just because?)
5. Organize/Label things into types or kinds (it helps to keep track of what you own, and if you can SEE THE LABEL you are more likely to be reminded of what you have and therefore more likely to consult/use the thing). Sometimes items are lost in the clutter, and I forget I have this or that.
6. Don't buy bulk unless it's for frequently used items (e.g. tissue). Limit items to a certain number. e.g, Only buy 5 volumes of one item every month, e.g.
7. Throw out "goods" boxes, after a month. Chances are, if you haven't returned the item after a month, you won't do so ever. If you do need to return it after this time, you only need a receipt.
8. Do a seasonal purge (make this a habit--spring cleaning, etc.)
9. Take a picture rather than keep the "cute" designer label tag for no reason. A virtual "art collection" is just as effective as a physical one. Seriously, taking pictures of things I like, such as a "cute" button or bottle still allows me to create a collage out of that item rather than store those items in boxes at home and never get around to doing anything with them.
P.S. Scanning important documents work, too. Plenty of online storage. If you insist on keeping physical copies, then do so, but purge after three years (government--taxes)--keep things like contracts, mortgage papers, etc.
10. Fold laundry. sheets, etc. Folded clothes take up less space. Seriously.
De-clutter.
I am a hoarder. I have known this for sometime. Perhaps it is the fact of growing up working class without much to own, I have developed a fascination with collecting things, including broken or damaged things. The mindset is that broken things can be amended, re-purposed.
I am the type who is fascinated by people who turn throw-away/basic everyday things into art. I get carried away by the guy who makes artwork out of gum, or the woman who re-purposes old clothes into blankets and shawls. In my head, I am this type. The goal is to turn these trinkets into art one day. I am still waiting for that one day that I know in my heart will never come.The end result is that I have "collections" of little trinkets, things the world would dismiss as garbage (specialty store paper/plastic bags, designer tags/ buttons that have fallen off clothes), piling, and need more and more storage boxes.
I am the woman who will keep an old, falling apart piece of clothes because I really like the color, or the design, or out of sentimentality, the reason I still have my old high school gym shorts. I keep bags with broken straps with the intent to sew the strap back on, someday.
Those some-days are not coming.
Increasingly I have a "hunt for the perfect ...." mentally. The perfect sweater, the perfect winter boots, the perfect handbag. I convince myself that once I find the "perfect" INSERT ITEM, then I'll stop looking or shopping. Each time I find the "perfect" Item, then some new item comes around that I think is more ideal. And so the saga continues.
I have spent the last few months in a transitional phase ... donating and/or throwing away items that I cannot wear, don't like, or that can't fit anymore. It hasn't been easy. I buy clothes and shoes not because I need them, but because I want them, and I don't throw things out because they might still fit, and because, growing up, my family amended clothes, not get new ones.
Now, my clothes are meant to represent the woman I want to present to the world--casually professional and sophisticated, part tomboy, with an embrace of feminine aesthetics.
Learning to de-clutter has been therapeutic. Part of my process includes questioning why I have/want things. Often, the answer is that the "item" makes me happy. The rule that's been toughest is the "blind dump."--Throwing things out without checking what it is first. If I throw something away and don't miss it, then it wasn't worth keeping. I have gone through my cupboards and thrown out unused mugs and glasses that have been there so long they've yellowed. I have gone into the bathroom cabinet and decide to either a) use up items that are unfinished (1/4 bottles of perfume, for example), or b) throw out expired or dried/caked up items--I had a few of these). It's been useful.
Tips
1. Check to see if you have an item before you buy it.
2. Use up all your partly finished liquids/fluids before you buy more
3. Donate (you'll feel good)
4. Ask yourself why you are keeping this? (need, sentimentally, or just because?)
5. Organize/Label things into types or kinds (it helps to keep track of what you own, and if you can SEE THE LABEL you are more likely to be reminded of what you have and therefore more likely to consult/use the thing). Sometimes items are lost in the clutter, and I forget I have this or that.
6. Don't buy bulk unless it's for frequently used items (e.g. tissue). Limit items to a certain number. e.g, Only buy 5 volumes of one item every month, e.g.
7. Throw out "goods" boxes, after a month. Chances are, if you haven't returned the item after a month, you won't do so ever. If you do need to return it after this time, you only need a receipt.
8. Do a seasonal purge (make this a habit--spring cleaning, etc.)
9. Take a picture rather than keep the "cute" designer label tag for no reason. A virtual "art collection" is just as effective as a physical one. Seriously, taking pictures of things I like, such as a "cute" button or bottle still allows me to create a collage out of that item rather than store those items in boxes at home and never get around to doing anything with them.
P.S. Scanning important documents work, too. Plenty of online storage. If you insist on keeping physical copies, then do so, but purge after three years (government--taxes)--keep things like contracts, mortgage papers, etc.
10. Fold laundry. sheets, etc. Folded clothes take up less space. Seriously.
- Published on
My birthday's coming up, so I filled out a survey. Yeah, follow the logic.
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Comfort in my own skin, in my own home, in my career
2. What is your greatest fear?
Dying without accomplishment/ Dementia/mental illness
3. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Queen Elizabeth I or Hatshepsut
4. Which living person do you most admire?
Scientists
5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Cowardice/impulsiveness
6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Bullying/ mean spiritedness/ pettiness
7. What is your favorite journey?
To other worlds (in my mind)
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Non-judgmental attitude
10. On what occasion do you lie?
When I screw up/make a mistake/need to compensate
11. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Extra weight
12. Which living person do you most despise?
Donald J. Trump
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Comfort in my own skin, in my own home, in my career
2. What is your greatest fear?
Dying without accomplishment/ Dementia/mental illness
3. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Queen Elizabeth I or Hatshepsut
4. Which living person do you most admire?
Scientists
5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Cowardice/impulsiveness
6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Bullying/ mean spiritedness/ pettiness
7. What is your favorite journey?
To other worlds (in my mind)
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Non-judgmental attitude
10. On what occasion do you lie?
When I screw up/make a mistake/need to compensate
11. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Extra weight
12. Which living person do you most despise?
Donald J. Trump
- Published on
Every year at this time, I think about where I am versus where I want to be and I become depressed. I am never where I want to be, and as the years drag on, the further I feel I am drifting from my goals.
This may very well be what I call the "science of aging." In the book, 'The Science of Why,' Daily Planet host, Jay Ingram discusses the belief humans have that "time flies " as you age. The feeling that, getting older, the years blend together. Our memory of time becomes faulty, which is described as a "forward telescoping." An episode we pegged to have happened a year or two ago actually happened six years ago, and so on. Ingram suggests the "time flies" phenonomenon is chalked up to us having experienced most of our "novelty" life experiences early in our life--most of us reached milestones by the time we're 25, and so there are fewer "eventful" experiences we have as we age, so years blend together, perhaps out of mundanity.
Of course, depending on who you are and the life you've lived, you may feel more depressed about the passage of time. After all, if you had an active and enviable social life, you may miss your youth more than if you never had much of a social life, anyway. You may feel time more and feel the change of its weight more than someone who hadn't the numeber of "eventful" experiences you've had.
My father used to describe me at 'old before Iam young," but the truth is, I was never young. I'm not even much of a late bloomer. I never had much of a social life; yet, this doesn't mean I don't feel the weight of time--the sluggish pull of middle age that is creeping up on me. It never was lost on me that by the time my parents were my age, they had two children.
At this age--early 30s, I am childless, and fine with it. It was never my goal to be married with children, yet there's a certain pressure women of a certain age feel to procreate. Maybe the Germans have a word for it, I don't know. It's the feeling of exclusion--that there's something everyone's doing that you're not, or that you can't do something others can do. A limitation. A loss of options--choice.
I always say, you're not old until you're off the calendar. The calendar has 31 days, and this year I passed that. There's also a "what now?" question that repeats itself in my head--a kind of desperate rush to do things, so I can get it over with. This year I had more things going on in my life than previous years. I made the effort to meet new people and find more like-minded companions, and it was worth it.
Yet, end of year is another reminder of unstoppable time. I guess I'm saying: live life to the fullest, and have a Happy New Year!