It's October!

I always look forward to October, the month when the world --the western world--celebrates the occult. I have been a fan of witches, ghouls, eldritch, and the macabre forever!

October 2018 was no exception. I looked forward to it, and even the black cat that slipped across my path on Halloween night got me excited.

It was bad omen, of course. Exactly a week later, I experienced the worst tragedy of my life.

My mom slipped from the world.

Every day I wake up and think about the circumstances -- how I could've prevented it, and all the things I did wrong, like being upset she was sick, again, and also not taking her to the hospital in the morning.

 I was stupid and selfish, and wished we did more together. But all that has passed. I have no magic wand or time-traveling contraption to return to that day in November 2018.

This October feels sober. 

 I have all the same feelings of excitement, but they are muted. Each time I allow myself to feel joy, my guilt, pain and sadness stifle that joy.

As the one year anniversary comes up, I admit, I still don't know how to cope.

But I have been dong so for nearly a year and will try ...